The “Official” Guitaroscope
Today’s Stars
Featured signs: Gemini, Libra, Capricorn. A rare alignment: every string you touch will be in tune. Do not waste it on a song you already know.
Your Guitaroscope
Aries
The intro is four bars long. You will start playing at bar one anyway. You will change the key mid-song and convince the band it was the plan all along. End the night with a song everyone knows. Or don’t — chaos builds character.
Your opposite sign Libra spent forty minutes choosing a pick today. Both were the same pick.
Taurus
The case candy is still in the case. Eight years now. It’s tradition. You will relearn one song perfectly instead of learning three badly. Correct choice. Your lucky investment today: sleep. It compounds.
Scorpio will stare at your pedalboard and touch nothing. That’s how you know it’s a compliment.
Gemini
Four riffs, three tunings, two unfinished songs. Finish one. (You won’t. We love you anyway.) You’ll restring mid-session and spend the rest of the day “testing” them. Lucky number today: all of them, simultaneously, briefly.
You start a thousand things; Sagittarius finishes none of them. Beautiful symmetry, terrible discography.
Cancer
A song you haven’t played since high school will ambush you today. Let it. An old recording of yourself will surface. Be kind to that kid. They were trying. Call the friend who taught you your first riff. Do it today.
Your opposite sign Capricorn calls it a “setlist.” You call it “the songs we feel like.” You’re both right.
Leo
The Sun rules your sign, which is why the sound engineer keeps asking you to “maybe come down a bit.” You will take a bow after a soundcheck. No one will stop you. This should concern someone. Greatness is a habit. So is your mirror. Combine them.
Your opposite sign Aquarius doesn’t want the spotlight, which you find medically impossible to understand.
Virgo
There is a perfect take inside you today. It is wearing a lab coat. You’ll notice the hi-hat is a quarter sharp. You’re right. Say nothing. Suffer correctly. Lucky number today: four — the exact number of takes you’ll accept.
Pisces plays from the heart, unwashed strings and all. Deep down, you envy the freedom. Deep, deep down.
Libra
Your chord voicings are democratic: every string gets a voice. Even the ninth. The band asks what you want to play. You say “whatever everyone wants.” This restarts the argument. Beauty is a form of discipline. Yours is on display today.
Aries doesn’t deliberate; Aries deploys. Watch, learn, then order the medium option anyway.
Scorpio
There are three chords in your heart today. Two of them are minor. You’ll stare at the other guitarist for an entire song. They still don’t know what they did. The truth surfaces today. Bring a capo.
You’ll try to unsettle Taurus with silence. They’ll mistake it for peace and enjoy it. Frustrating.
Sagittarius
Jupiter grants optimism today, which you already had in bulk. The open mic host says three songs. You hear three songs, plus the one that tells the story about Perth. Lucky compass reading today: wherever the good coffee is.
Gemini’s notebook is 47 ideas deep. You’d need a map and snacks. Bring snacks.
Capricorn
You will do the work while others discuss the work. Then you’ll invoice the discussion. You’ll spend an hour on thumb position. It will save you a decade of hand trouble. You’ll bill nobody. Invoice promptly. The muses respect an itemized list.
You’ll find Cancer’s nostalgia inefficient until you hear the take. Then you’ll file it under “assets.”
Aquarius
Today’s innovation is slightly dangerous and fully intentional. You’ll wire two pedals in an order that voids something. The tone will be transcendent. The warranty, not. Lucky pedal today: whatever it does, it does it wrong, correctly.
Leo will dedicate the song to the audience. Dedicate yours to a concept. Let them compare.
Pisces
Two fish swim through your chart today. One plays in 4/4. The other is late. A friend’s bad day will become your project. The guitar is how you’ll fix what can’t be fixed. Lucky chord today: the suspended one. Nothing needs resolving right now.
Virgo will proofread your lyrics today. Every rhyme will survive, except one. You’ll keep the wrong one. It’s better.
If today is your birthday…
Happy Birthday, Libra! Chocolate or vanilla? Take your time. The party will wait. (It will not wait.)
Celebrate with a brand new guitar from MacKenzie & Marr — maybe a Riverboat Dread, Opeongo, Just Right OM, or the Ian Tyson Inspiration!
